If It Kills Me Read online

  Connor jogs over to the door of the stairwell. He opens it slightly and can already hear the sounds of the coming greyskins. They’re moving quickly. They’re hungry. Connor sprints through the middle of building two until he reaches the door to the next bridge. He opens it with only a slight hesitation, checking to make sure there isn’t another mob of man-eaters awaiting him.

  Nothing.

  He slams the door shut behind him, knowing full well that a closed door will only delay them a few seconds. The next few buildings are the same. Somewhere in the middle of building four, Connor tries to contact Danny and Heather on his wristband. All he gets back is static. He swears, probably thinking that he may be the only one still alive.

  In the middle of building four he hunches over his knees, sweaty and out of breath. Anyone in this situation knows that running is imperative, but he simply has to fill his lungs. After a moment, he stands straight, forcing himself to suck air in through his nose. He immediately hears the labored breathing of greyskins coming for him. Maybe they are following his scent. Maybe they just know there is someone on the run. Either way, they mean to finish Connor and they could do it in seconds.

  Without any more hesitation, he continues his sprint across the buildings. He doesn’t stop until he makes it to building six. The greyskins are louder behind him now.

  As I sit in the truck, riding toward Springhill, I can’t help but feel scared for him, but most of all I feel guilty. I should be there to help him. I should be there to get him through to the next building. I know he fears for his life. In these moments, I wish I could tell Connor that I’m right there next to him. Though it does no good, I wish it did. I wish I could at least comfort him. But he’s facing some of the fastest greyskins I’ve ever seen, and I’m sure they’re the fastest he’s ever seen too.

  He crosses the last bridge to the seventh building. Even though he has almost made it to the destination, it doesn’t change the fact that he will have no place to go once he gets there. Unless Danny and Heather can make it to him, there’s no chance of them getting out.

  As he nears the doorway into building seven, he can see the greyskins coming fast as they reach the last bridge. Connor’s eyes go wide at the sight of the undead sprinters. He swings the door open and slams it shut behind him as he finally enters building seven. This top floor is unlike all the others. Instead of a door to another bridge and door to the stairwell, there are three doors.

  He looks at each of them frantically, not knowing which of them will lead to the roof. The one in the middle seems different from the others. It’s slightly open, but the door is much thicker than any Connor has run into so far. He looks over his shoulder, but he can’t hesitate. He sprints for the middle door.

  The greyskins are in the seventh building. He slams the thick door, cursing because he knows the greyskins saw him. They’ve had no trouble with any of the other doors. Hopefully this one will be different.

  He shoves his shoulder into it, hoping it will be enough to keep them out. If it’s not, he’ll be devoured in minutes. To his right, there is a latch that controls a giant deadbolt. He reaches for it as the first greyskin slams into the door. He pulls on the latch as hard as he can and the deadbolt locks in place. As the greyskins pummel the door, Connor takes a much-needed rest, setting his head against it. Opening his eyes, he sees what looks to be a control room. Large windows let in the daylight that illuminates all kinds of machinery. Old radios, screens, and large consoles with countless buttons take up the entire room.

  Connor sighs. He knows he’s safe for now, but it does little to calm him. He ignores the pounding of the greyskins and walks to the left side of the room to look out the giant windows. There’s no sign of Heather or Danny. Looking up, he can see the roof with the small satellite dish needed for their mission.

  He might not ever get that satellite dish. He might not even survive.

  CHAPTER EIGHT

  WE DRIVE FOR hours until we come close to Springhill. My mind is almost constantly on Connor. The greyskins try to get through the door, but the metal is too thick and the lock too strong. Connor is trapped.

  Heather and Danny aren’t trapped but there’s no way they can get into building seven. They try over and over to contact Connor through the wristband, but all they hear is static. It’s a hopeless situation.

  A big part of me wants to travel there to try and help them, but it’s hours away and it would probably be too late by then. And without medical attention, Christopher might die. I hold back the urge to confess my ability to see others in my mind, mostly because it would do no good.

  After thirty more minutes, we arrive at Springhill. The three elders, Austin, Bill, and Linda meet us. Evelyn stands behind them patiently as Aaron explains what happened. We get Christopher to a medical bed and Sadie goes with him. In the middle of all this, I go to Evelyn.

  “I need to talk to you about something,” I say.

  She looks from left to right, then nods. “Let’s walk.”

  “I’ve had my first dream,” I tell her. “About Willow. About how Jeremiah uses her. That’s all I’ve seen though.”

  Evelyn nods. “There’s much more to the story,” she says. “I would tell you what happens, but I feel it would be much more meaningful if you saw it all for yourself.”

  “I didn’t know you had the ability to transfer thoughts and memories to others,” I say.

  “Just part of the package,” Evelyn smiles. “I’m full of surprises. Though, so are you. You keep discovering new gifts.”

  “Connor and the others are in trouble,” I blurt out as we step further down the road.

  “You’ve seen this?”

  I nod.

  “I’m not sure there’s anything you can do, Mora. They knew the risk before leaving.”

  I’m surprised at her cold words. “I thought you would be more alarmed.”

  “Sweetie, if you knew the number of friends and loved ones I’ve lost over the years, you’d understand my reaction. First, I’m not convinced they can’t get out of it. Danny and Heather can take care of themselves. I barely know Connor, but he’s strong.”

  “He’s trapped,” I say.

  “Maybe what he needs the most right now is support. Confidence from you.”

  I shake my head, unsure of what she means. “What he needs is a Starborn power.”

  “Well, he can’t choose when and if that happens. It’s not up to him. Not up to any of us.”

  “I’m worried.”

  “So is Connor, I’m sure,” Evelyn says. “Why don’t you try talking to him?”

  “What?”

  She shrugs. “I don’t know the extent of this gift you have, but you never know, maybe you can talk to him. Maybe he can hear you.”

  “What good would that do?” I ask.

  Evelyn stops walking and turns to look at me in the eyes. “Because if that boy is about to die, he will at least know you were there with him. No one wants to die alone.”

  “You talk like it’s the end for him.”

  “No,” she says. “I just don’t want you to be taken by surprise.”

  Evelyn walks away from me, leaving me alone in the middle of the main road. I look around the village and can’t help but wonder if what we’ve done so far is right. Workers from around the village labor to put up the new wall despite the fading sunlight. Even with Screven-grade fortifications around Springhill, if Jeremiah wants to destroy this place he will do it. If he wants to get to me he can. It’s just a matter of time. I can’t help but consider what would happen if I just ran from all of this. Would my family be safer? Would the Starborns still be able to take Jeremiah down? I could go by a different name, move to a different village. Eventually, Jeremiah wouldn’t care about me anymore. I would be a distant memory.

  But I couldn’t do that to Jake and Grandma. I’ve left them too many times now already. This started because all I wanted was to protect them anyway.

  I continue my walk down the road, away fro
m the main village. I want to see my family, but now I need to be alone. Maybe I’ll take Evelyn’s advice and try to talk to Connor. I don’t know. It sounds stupid.

  I make my way past the shacks and homes until I reach the tree houses. The structures are meant for safety to keep out of a greyskin’s reach. This evening, I will use one of them to be alone for a little while.

  Climbing to the top of one of these things is never a pleasant experience. It usually means that I’m trying to stay alive. It also reminds me of the day I should have just stayed in here and not gone out to try and help my father. I always wonder if my mom and dad would still be alive if it wasn’t for my stupid decision that day.

  I crawl to the back wall on the other side of the tree house, resting my back and head against the wood. Shutting my eyes, I’m now facing Connor who stares out into the setting sun, probably pondering what he’ll do next.

  My thoughts then drift to Danny who’s standing next to Heather in a giant room. What I see beyond them gives me a feeling of hope. In front of them stand shelves full of weapons. Any kind of weapon a person could want.

  Danny laughs out as Heather smiles wide.

  “You think we can carry enough to take out a few hundred greyskins?” Heather asks.

  “We’re going to do our best,” he answers. “Connor was right. This is a survivalist’s goldmine. Glad he told us about this. I just hope he’s alive.”

  “Well, if he’s not,” Heather says, “we still have to do what we have to do. Take out the greyskins, grab the satellite dish and get out of here.”

  “We’ve got a long walk till we get to building seven,” Danny says.

  “What is this one, four?”

  Danny nods.

  “We can do it.”

  When I move back to Connor, I can see that he’s getting frustrated. He’s talking to himself, angry that he’s trapped in this room alone.

  “I can’t believe I’m actually going to die today,” Connor says.

  But you won’t.

  He bends down and picks up a long piece of metal, maybe an old table leg, and feels the weight in his hands.

  What is he about to do? Holding it like a club, it looks as though he’s going to try and leave the room.

  Bad idea. They are coming to help you Connor, just wait!

  His breathing is heavier as he continues to talk to himself. “How could have the others survived? They had no place to go. There were too many greyskins to make it.”

  But I know differently.

  In his right hand, he holds the metal weapon, and he places his left hand on the latch that keeps the door locked from the inside.

  Connor…no.

  He closes his eyes, and his knuckles are white with a tight grip around the latch. “It’s now or never,” he says. “I’m not just going to starve here.”

  He tenses up and holds his breath as if he’s about to pull up on the latch, but lets out his breath and lets go of it and wipes the sweat from his eyes.

  “Okay,” he says to himself. “On three…”

  I can’t believe this is happening. The greyskins gathered on the other side of the door will kill him in seconds. He doesn’t stand a chance.

  “One…”

  Connor stop. Don’t do this.

  “Two…”

  Please don’t do this, you’ll die!

  “Three!”

  “Connor stop!”

  The scream escapes my lips and I can hear the echoes traveling through the trees. I watch in horror as he begins to pull up on the latch, but then he hesitates in the middle of the motion. Quickly, he snaps the latch back into place and turns around, searching for something behind him as though he heard a noise he wasn’t expecting.

  “Mora?” he says, looking in every direction.

  My heart jolts at the sound of my name. Did he actually just hear me?

  “Connor,” I say out loud again.

  “This is weird,” he says, eyes darting in every direction.

  “Stay where you are,” I tell him.

  He doesn’t answer, but just stands there.

  “Help is on the way,” I say. “Just be patient.”

  He scratches his head with the piece of metal in his hand. “What is going on with me?” He shakes his head. “I must really have it bad for her.” He leans against the wall and lets his body slide to the floor. “What am I thinking? I can’t open that door. What if the others are still out there?” He sighs.

  It hits me that he didn’t actually hear what I said, but somehow my emotions must have been projected his way. Somehow he knows what I’m trying to tell him.

  He rubs his fingers through his hair, frustrated. I’m flooded with relief.

  “I feel like you’re here, Mora,” he says, just above a whisper. “Why do I feel that way?”

  Because I am.

  “I wish you were,” he says. “Not only could you take out all these greyskins for us, but I’d also be able to talk to you.”

  Talk to me.

  He shakes his head. “What are we doing? What am I doing? I’m helping you because I’ve fallen for you, not because I believe in this cause. Really, I think the cause is a bit lousy. Jeremiah is a greedy dictator. But at least our colony was safe from the greyskins.”

  He’s responsible for my parents’ death. Your parents’ death.

  “Heather and Danny are right,” he continues. “I’m only here so I can impress you. So I can make you happy.”

  His words hit me like a truck at high speed. I already know that he feels something for me. I feel something for him too, but I haven’t given myself time for romance in this world.

  “But you’ve fallen for Aaron it seems.”

  No.

  “When I followed you in the woods, you can’t imagine what I felt when I saw you two kissing. I mean, it’s not a big deal, it was just surprising. Sobering. Made me realize that there’s nothing I can do to have powers like the rest of you. Starborns stick together, I guess. It’s not in my blood like it is Aaron’s.” Connor lets out a snort. “He’s not even my real brother. My parents adopted him when I was thirteen.”

  I sit up straight when I hear these words, though I don’t find it all that surprising. I’ve thought on many occasions that the two were nothing alike. Different personalities, different looks. Now I know there is a real possibility that the blood of the Starborns might not run through Connor at all. But why does he think that I look at that as important? I didn’t know about myself until a couple of weeks ago.

  “As kids, we used to be close. We were best friends. Everything changed when he was forced to kill my parents. I know it wasn’t his fault, but it was still hard to take in.”

  He swallows hard and wipes at his eyes. The tears are so faint and when his hand moves from his face, they are gone. I know this can’t be an easy thing to talk about. Even if he does think he’s alone.

  “I tried to make it work. I had him move into my shack. I wanted to be his brother. We just couldn’t do it.” He pauses as if to reflect on his words. “He’s got the powers. He’s got the girl. He’s got his revolution. He’s got something to believe in.”

  He smacks his hand against the floor and stands, walking toward the door.

  No, Connor. Not yet.

  He grabs onto the latch, clearly thinking about opening the door. He closes his eyes, gripping the latch firmly, and takes a deep breath.

  An explosion sends him flying off his feet. The ground shakes all around him as the wall in front of him crumbles to pieces and windows shatter. With one explosion after another, blood and greyskin body parts fly in every direction. The sound of gun blasts is deafening.

  Connor has to cover his head as the door flies off its hinges in a cloud of fire and smoke. When he looks up, a smile spreads across his face at the sight of Heather and Danny annihilating the room full of greyskins.

  Danny sees Connor out of the corner of his eye. “You were right about the armory!” he yells as he tosses a grenade at a gr
oup of greyskins coming at him from the corner. Within a minute, the entire room is lifeless save for the three of them.

  “Sorry about your door,” Heather says. “Didn’t know you were in there.”

  “I though you two were dead,” Connor says. “I was about to go out and fight them with this.” He holds up the metal table leg and Danny laughs.

  “Good thing we showed up when we did,” he says. “Lets get that satellite dish and get out of here.”

  If anyone could see me in this moment, I’m sure they would think I’m crazy because I’m sure I look ridiculous. A smile spreads across my face and I can’t help but feel happiness that those three actually made it. I had expected the worst.

  As I watch the three of them dismantle the satellite dish and cover Danny as they take it back to the truck, what really sticks in my head is everything Connor has just told me. He thought he felt my presence for a moment and that made him want to tell me everything. Even if he didn’t think I was actually there. I see now that his feelings for me run more deeply than I’ve wanted to admit to myself.

  I shake my head at this. Evelyn was right. Somehow she knew I would be able to contact him with my mind. It doesn’t make any sense to me. In my spying, I’ve learned too much that I have to keep secret. First, the fact that Aaron isn’t really Connor’s brother. The two didn’t look alike. They didn’t act alike. It makes so much sense now.

  Then there’s the fact that Connor has deep feelings for me. Of course I’ve known they were there, and I’ve felt them too. But I cringe when I think about Connor seeing me kiss Aaron. I feel stupid about it. I shouldn’t have ever done it. The first time I was feeling vulnerable. I felt safe with him and I felt like kissing him was the right thing to do. Connor doesn’t know about that kiss. But the second time was just to get him to stop talking. At least, this is what I tell myself.

  I can’t deny that I’m attracted to both of them, but when that thought enters my head, I think about why I even met them in the first place. I think about my job. I think about what we are all facing and how pursuing romance is dumb at a time like this. But am I supposed to completely ignore my feelings for them? And how can I care about both of them? I don’t want to hurt either one.